Pre-Thoughts on The Dark Knight

The countdown is almost over.  Yet, even though “The Dark Knight” hasn’t even been released yet, it’s already a hit.  After all, it is a comic book movie.  It is a sequel to a comic book movie, as well as a sequel to a good movie.  And of course, it is the final onscreen performance of Heath Ledger.  I’m sure I reacted the same as everyone else did when I heard he had passed away.  I thought why, oh why, couldn’t it have been Hayden Christensen instead?  Alas, no luck.

I pity other films being released at this time.  Take “Hellboy 2″, another comic book second chapter.  That will be released a week earlier so it technically does avoid competition with the “Knight.”  However, unless it has a hundred dollar opening weekend, it will not be a blockbuster.  For “Knight”, a 70 million dollar opening weekend is not only a given, but an underestimation.

I’m sure I’m like the rest of you who’s not only been watching every “Dark Knight” trailer and teaser, and short clip.  And like some of you, I’ve formed my own conclusions, or rather predictions about the film.  A smart thing that director Christopher Nolan did was release the opening scene to IMAX.  That way we have a place to start from.  I remember watching “Terminator 3″ and within the first five minutes I knew I wouldn’t like it. 

So what do I think will happen in the next installment?  Glad you asked.  First, we know that the Joker targets Batman as a victim.  We also know that District Attorney Harvey Dent will become Two-Face.  There’s also a clip in one of the previews in which the Joker demands to see Dent.  My guess?  The Joker will assume that Harvey Dent is Batman and thus attempt to kill him but only wound him.  Thus, Dent will have a motive to want to kill Batman in the next installment.  One of the problems with “Batman Forever”, besides the nipples on the costumes and earring on Robin, was that Dent had no reason to want to go after Batman.  But this time the reigns are in the control of Christopher Nolan, not Joel Schumacher.

I might be wrong about “The Dark Knight.”  But I know it will be a hit.  And for Heath Ledger, I don’t think any actor could have asked for a better role to be his last film.

Jeremy Suckey

So Jeremy Shockey continues to voice his displeasure about playing for the New York Giants.  Why should we care?  Or better yet, why was he even brought back to New York to be so pissy?  Jeremy Shockey was injured late in the Giants season and replaced by an unproven rookie at his position.  The result…the Giants won the Super Bowl.  So how can a man whose team won a championship WITHOUT him in the lineup, have the ego to complain?  Shouldn’t he feel lucky to still have a job? 

After a startling rookie year, Jeremy Shockey seemed to lose his hunger.  At first he seemed like the next Mark Bavaro, a human bulldozer.  But over the next few seasons, he seemed content to make a catch and then either stumble or simply fall down.  And after that, he would almost always leave the field as if to say “I’ve done enough.” 

The answer to this is simple…trade the guy!  Why would you want him back in the first place if we found someone who can do his job better than he can while keeping his mouth shut?  Though Shockey sounds unhappy now, if he does find a new team, he might miss New York.  After all, where else would there be enough media attention for him to bitch and moan to?

Norv Turner’s Daughter Is HOT

While flipping through the channels one night, with nothing else on whatsoever, I found “Monster In Law” on TBS. It’s not so much I found the movie as much I found one scene. There is a part where Jane Fonda, knowing she is going to get fired, interviews this hot little ditsy blonde pop star. This pop star, who is said to have “glitter on her nipples” claims to like really old movies like “Legally Blonde” and oppose Roe vs. Wade because she doesn’t approve of boxing. Jane Fonda, of course, attacks her for her ignorance, or rather, what Jane Fonda wishes she still looked like.

Well, after looking up this girl’s information on IMDB, I was shocked to learn that this same pop star actress is the daughter of fired Washington Redskins, fired Oakland Raiders, and current coach of the San Diego Chargers, Norv Turner. This was a hard fact to absorb because come on, Norv Turner has more wrinkles on his face than Lance Henriksen, and hasn’t accomplished even a fraction of what Henriksen has. Adding onto that, Henriksen was illiterate his whole life until he learned to read from scripts. Still, ole Bishop from “Aliens” and Frank Black from “Millennium” had a track above Norv.

That is, of course, until we discovered Norv’s daughter. “Monster In Law” was made in 2005, which proves her father’s future planning. Knowing that he would be fired for his horrible job with the Raiders, and doubting anyone would hire him again, he threw his daughter onto the set of this movie in the hope that she would get some future jobs and maybe support him as soon as he got fired from another coaching job.

Well, Norv did a pretty good job as coach last year; or rather he didn’t fuck things up totally for the Chargers. But remember, it took him six years to qualify for the playoffs as Redskins coach. And let’s be honest, he succeeded with Marty Schottenheimer’s players last season. So, given his track record, Stephanie Turner should be preparing her push up bra and glittered nipples for the next time her father loses his job.

Lifetime, Television for…Gangsters?

While flipping through the channels, I found that a movie entitled “Goodfellas” was on Lifetime.  Now, I say a movie, rather than THE movie because how could THE movie “Goodfellas” be on Lifetime, television for women.  I thought maybe there was an earlier movie called “Goodfellas” about a woman who is sexually harassed at work and gets revenge.  Or, maybe a movie about a woman who loses custody of her children, and gets revenge.  Or a woman who is abused by her husband, and gets revenge.  That pretty much describes every movie ever broadcast on Lifetime.  But no, to my shock it was the mobster drama “Goodfellas.” 

You have to wonder not only why someone from Lifetime would show this, but who of Lifetime’s audience would watch this.  The lead female in the movie endures abuse from her husband over a long period of time, but of course stays with him because he has money.  She doesn’t get revenge, or make any feminist moves or acts that would make Lifetime’s audience want to sing “I am woman hear me roar.”  Perhaps Lifetime’s female viewers are not bringing in enough viewers.  Who knows?  Maybe SpikeTV will start broadcasting “Waiting To Exhale”.

The Giants White House Visit

Recently the New York Giants made the annual White House visit that every Super Bowl team, and pretty much every champion in every professional sport gets to make. Which got me wondering? With all the visits by all these teams, does it ever get redundant for the President to have to meet these teams? Furthermore, what if he’s not a fan of them. Being that Bush is from Texas, I would assume he’s a Cowboys fan. If that’s true, wouldn’t the New York Giants be the last team he’d want coming into his “house.” His motto has always been “Don’t mess with Texas.” Well, the Giants did more than that in the playoffs.

What if the President said that he did not want the team to visit, perhaps because he lost a bet with Dick Cheney on the game? Sure he’s the President, but he may also be a sports fan. And being a sports fan means not only liking a team, but also hating at least one more. I’m sure there’s been a time when the President has just gone through the motions and faked enthusiasm for having that team around him. It would also be a perfect time to slip something in their meals or drinks that they have at the White House that could make them ill and have trouble getting ready for minicamp.

In addition, what if one of the players had different political views than those of the President? I wonder if any player has ever turned down an invitation to the White House. Or maybe the President would invite the whole team, minus one of two outspoken players. It’s too bad he wasn’t President during the Cowboys dynasty of the 90’s when he could have had some players maybe bring some of their own cocaine to share with the commander in chief.

In this era of free agency and trades, every team loses a significant player during the offseason, and champions are no different. I assume that the whole team that won the title gets to go, but wouldn’t that be a little awkward to hang with the guys you just deserted?

Another tradition is giving the President his own jersey. I wonder if he ever wears any of them. And if someone ever saw him wearing them, they might accuse him of being a front runner since he’d be wearing so many different jerseys, and all of them of recent winners. What happens when a team repeats? Does he get another jersey? Maybe instead of the home uniform, he’ll get the road one this time?

Well, with Bush leaving the White House after this year, the Giants are the last Super Bowl team he’ll get to meet. Next year, it would be interesting to see Hilary Clinton greeting a sports team and congratulate them on winning the Super Series Championship and hitting all those touch runs. That brings up another question. If a woman was President, does that mean they’d start inviting champions from women’s sports? Nah, even a woman President wouldn’t care about them.

Just ‘Cause You Drafted Him, Doesn’t Mean He’ll Play For You

This week we found out the Dolphins, who owned the number one pick in the draft, had signed Jake Long to a five year deal, revealing who would be this year’s first pick.  Let’s be honest though.  He’s an offensive lineman, and how many lineman have their own jerseys sell in mass quantities to fans?  His brother, a defensive lineman was taken next, and although defensive lineman get credit for tackles and sacks, i.e. get statistics, the first real position player was not selected until quarterback Matt Ryan by the Atlanta Falcons.  Ryan sure has big shoes to fill, replacing Joey Harrington who’s played for three teams in three years and of course, Michael Vick, who struggles every day not to drop the soap.

But before you Atlanta fans go out and by Matt Ryan jerseys consider for a second what are the chances of Ryan having an impact on the Falcons?  And looking at history, who knows what chances he has of ever playing for them?  So many players drafter sometimes don’t make an impact until they leave for another team (Jim Plunkett who went from draft bust to Super Bowl MVP) or until they decide not to play at all for the team that drafted them.

Perhaps the most famous of this would be John Elway, selected first overall by the Baltimore Colts, but who refused to sign with them.  Just as blue and white John Elway horseshoe jerseys were being printed, he was traded to another horse themed team, the Broncos.  Elway would go on to lead the Broncos to five Super Bowl appearances, winning two of them, while the Colts’ floundering attendance would result in them leaving Baltimore in the middle of the night in the dead of winter to move to Indianapolis.

Even bigger hating than that came from running back Bo Jackson deciding not to play football at all rather than play for Tampa Bay.  Considering Tampa Bay’s play at the time, it actually seemed to be the right choice.  He later wound up on the Raiders, and although his football career was shortened due to injury, he did manage a few highlights including balling over Seattle draft bust and B movie star bust Brian Bosworth on Monday Night Football.  Bosworth was able to prove he has no talent at two fields.

Then again, some of these players will have an impact but finish his career somewhere else.  Being from New Jersey, I saw my share of New York Jets Keyshawn Johnson jerseys.  He spent four seasons in New York before being traded to Tampa Bay where he won a Super Bowl.  In all honesty, before this season all of the Eli Manning jerseys looked like they would make good material for the fireplace. 

That reminds me, I’d actually like to see if anyone has any Ryan Leaf jerseys left, or have they just destroyed them or used them when they ran out of toilet paper.  A good theme for a party would be jerseys of draft busts.  If that were the case, Leaf jerseys would be the most popular choice.

It might look like you’ve got a good selection and maybe you do…just not necessarily yet…or not necessarily for your team…

The Real Reason Behind Jamie Lynn Spears’ Pregnancy…

Recently, the Oscar nominated film “Juno” was released on DVD. With the film’s success, suddenly it’s become hip to be a pregnant teenager. Which got me thinking Jamie Lynn Spears recent pregnancy. It wasn’t because she was slutty or careless with birth control. She simply was lobbying for the title role in the film and wanted to get into her character (so she had someone else’s characters get into her). This was also a chance for her to top her sister. Britney of course had a disastrous, humiliating marriage to Vanilla Ice, I mean, Kevin Federline, which resulted in not one, but two potential Anti-Christs. To top her sister, Jamie decided to get pregnant as a teenager without even getting married. Take that, Britney.

Speaking of topping your big sister, Ashlee Simpson has recently announced her engagement with hints of pregnancy as well. She could’ve simply gotten married and divorced like Jessica, but no, she’s going to bring another life into this world to suffer along with her. But this might be the best thing for Ashlee. This means a scapegoat or reason why something could go wrong. Next time she screws up on a live performance she can’t go blaming her band since she already did it on Saturday Night Live. And instead of a simply “Newlyweds” reality show, we could have a “Newlyweds with Near Bastard Child” show. And unlike Jessica, Ashlee will have someone she’s smarter than…until the baby learns to talk.

Enough With the Remakes

“Prom Night”, the latest Hollywood remake of a 70’s or 80’s cheap slasher flick premiered this week.  The only difference is the movie gets a PG-13 rating, meaning that it will not produce the same cheap fun as its original incarnation, i.e. no gore, no nudity.  Now I’m not someone that needs either of those to enjoy a movie, but when those two things are the only things that made the original even worth glancing at until what you were watching before comes back from commercial, you got nothing.

This is proof that once something succeeds in Hollywood, there will be clones.  The trend setter, which is weird to say when it comes to remakes, was the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” remake of 2003.  The movie’s success, plus the fact that no one had an original idea in Hollywood, meant that remaking cheap horror films from yesteryear was the latest thing.  It’s even become more of a fad than making comic book films (but I guess we can thank that decline to duds like “The Hulk” or excuse me, just “Hulk”, as director Ang Lee was too much of an auteur to have the word The preceding the title). 

Suddenly, any horror movie was being remade.  As if no one learned from the lesson of the “Psycho” remake.  Soon we had “Amityville Horror”, “The Hills Have Eyes”, and “A Stranger Calls”.  Next year we will see “Hellraiser” and Friday the 13^th“.  Ironic how John Carpenter became a more copied director than Oscar winner Steven Spielberg, with his films “Assault on Precinct 13″, “The Fog”, and the aforementioned “Halloween” being copied, with “Escape From New York” coming soon.   I somehow doubt that they will remake his “Ghosts of Mars” though.

It wasn’t too long ago that remakes were looked at as the bottom of the creative gene pool.  And it is.  But somehow, people are still going to these movies, thus making it possible for even more remakes to be made.  In the words of cartoon film critic Jay Sherman, “If you stop GOING to bad movies, they’ll stop MAKING bad movies.”  Let that be a lesson to everyone who even considers going to see these in a theatre.  If you really feel that you must, an easier solution would be to take that money you would spend, and literally flush it down the toilet.  All it would do is produce more excrement, which would be the same result if you allowed more remakes to be made.

The Giants Off-Season

The only problem with being the best is keeping it up.  In football terms, winning the Super Bowl convinces other teams that any player on that team who’s available, no matter how menial he was to the team’s success, is worth throwing money at.  And for the players who are already under contract, they believe that hype and expect more compensation even if they are restricted.  Such is the story of the New York Giants’ offseason. 

They have already lost Gibril Wilson and Kawika Mitchell, who were given fat contracts because quite frankly they were the ones available.  But not all defending Super Bowl champions give up on making their team better.  After the Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2003 they signed running back Corey Dillon who helped lead them to another Super Bowl the next year. 

So what have the Giants done to beef up their team?  Well, they’ve signed a player to a position they already have secured.  With that in mind, they decided to sign quarterback David Carr to the team.  And actually, not just a position they have secured, but a position where they already have a backup for the secured position in Hefty Lefty.  I’m all for protecting players and having backups, but David Carr!  This was a guy who was deemed not good enough to play for the Houston Texans, and so bad that the Carolina Panthers fished out Vinny Testevardre from his rocking chair to be their quarterback over Carr. 

But in the Giants defense, it’s a good way of getting a backup quarterback to carry wires on the sideline without posing a threat to Eli.  And more than that, not a threat to Jared Lorenzen and his wire carrying.

Of course, not every team lets their free agent players leave.   The Giants have chosen to resign running back Derrick Ward and kicker Lawrence Tynes.  A lot of people have agreed with the ladder move since he kicked them to the Super Bowl, but he almost lost that opportunity for them.  He missed two potential game winning kicks in the NFC Championship game which might have landed him on the previous week’s countdown of the ten worst missed kicks in history.  Luckily for him he was able to boot a chip shot in overtime.  Let’s face it.  The guy made a kick any guy you pick up off the street could and he’s rewarded with a multi year contract!  That wouldn’t be bad, except for the fact that Seahawks placekicker Josh Brown was available and signed with the Rams.  Had the Giants made any type of offer, they would have had a Pro Bowl kicker.  Sure, it’s just a kicker, but a kicker is just a kicker until the game is on the line…like it was in Green Bay…twice.

The Real Reason Jerry Jones Wants To Sign PacMan Jones…

I’ve been wondering why the Dallas Cowboys are so persistent in signing troubled player PacMan Jones.  But the answer is simple.  Owner Jerry Jones is hoping to reclaim the glory days of the Cowboys from the 90’s.  No, it’s not because Jones is such a good player.  It’s because all the great players from those 90’s Cowboy teams were crack heads and prostitute beaters.  With that in mind, who else would you want for your team than PacMan.  Back then, their players smoked more crack than Marion Barry on New Year’s Eve.  But, they did win three Super Bowls.  Back then, to play for Dallas you had to have at least one felony to your name. 

But Jerry Jones is going above and beyond this time.  Last time his players were only suspended a few games during the season.  Here, he’s looking to sign a guy who was suspended the entire year.  His thinking must be that he’s got to crank it up a notch.  Or it could be since Michael Irvin left Dallas, Jerry Jones is looking for another guy to score smack off of.  Maybe in a few years he’ll sign Michael Vick to the team since Vick actually would have been to the big house.  If only they could get O.J. Simpson on the team, imagine how unstoppable they will be.